(no subject)

It's been a really long time since I've posted in here.
Life has been busy.

I have a boyfriend now, he's fantastic.
I've been really depressed lately, but it's not really anything new. These things seem to happen to me a lot.

I haven't gotten the money for a new car yet, but it's in the works.

(no subject)

are we blind?

show me a change that won' t change back
or a light that never burns out
that will last longer than the sun

and burn brighter than it too.

show me compassion that has no bounds
that isn' t as fake as your god
or something real, anything real

show me the night, the stars, the moon
the sparkle on the ocean and let me feel the breeze

(no subject)

I am so tired of my mothers bullshit.
She acts like I wanted to wreck my car, and like I' m just going to wreck every car I own.

My stepdad traded his fourwheeler for a Blazer. The intention was that Jake would drive that until his truck got fixed, and then I could drive it to work and such. Well, the transmission is bad on it. Jake was going to try to get a-hold of the guy who traded and get his fourwheeler back since he had to have known that the transmission was bad.

Well, I told my mom I was just going to get the money from my paycheck before last, my last paycheck, my next paycheck and my income tax return and go to a car auction and get a car there.
And she just fucking get' s pissed, and says "I don' t care, do whatever the fuck you want. You' ll just go out on the road, on bad roads that you don' t need to be driving on, and drive yourself off a fucking mountain."
or something along those lines, I can' t remember exactly because I' m pissed about it.

Okay, whatever, I leave her alone.
About an hour later I ask what is the difference between me driving their car, or me driving a car I would buy if she thinks I' m going to wreck it anyways. She said that Jake was trading his fourwheeler for a car specifically so that I could have something to drive and save more money to get a better car. When really, what they had told me was the main reason they were trading the fourwheeler was because they needed two vehicles and currently, they only have one. There are three people in this house trying to work with one vehicle.
Mom typically gets a ride with someone she works with, so there' s her.
Jake leaves for work at 4:30 in the morning, and get' s home between 3-5pm. He drives the van.
I have to be at work at 5pm, and Jake drives me to work when he gets home (sometimes I' m late) and I get a ride home from a co-worker.

If she plans on getting a divorce from Jake, who the hell does she think will end up with the damn Blazer anyways?
Jake wouldn' t give it to me, no strings atatched.

I don' t want to have to rely on them for a ride anymore.
And if it' s their car I' m driving, even if mine and Jake's names are on the title, it belongs to Jake. It was his fourwheeler that he traded. And if they get mad at me, or they actually do get a divorce, it' ll just be gone.

And I' ll be stuck without a goddamn vehicle again.

I seriously just wish my circumstances where different.
I wish I had stayed with my grandmother, or
I wish I hadn' t been born, or
I wish that I had somewhere else to live, or

just something to get me away from this fucking house and these fucking people.
I' m so tired of the way my life is playing out that I just feel like ...ugh
I don' t even know how to put it into words.

(no subject)

I got home from work last night at a little past three in the morning.
My mom wasn' t home, and my stepdad was sleeping on the couch.

Mom called this morning, and I asked where she was. She said she had to stay the night at my grandmothers last night so that she would have a ride to work this morning, and I told her she didn' t have to because we had two vehicles now.
Mostly, I think she just didn' t want to come home. She' s really tired of her kids (myself the most) and of her husband.

I mean, I don' t know how I should feel about any of it.
It' s her own fault, honestly. She could have had Jake wear condoms if she didn' t want more kids. Calling them "Unexpected surprises" means nothing when you scream at them everyday and basically say you wish you hadn' t had them.
She didn' t have to marry Jake. She knew what kind of person he was. He' s damn near 10years younger than her, and they' ve been together for around 8years.
He was 22 when they got together, and she was 31. He liked to go to bars on the weekends and bought only brand name clothes/shoes. He spent a lot of money on things that he really didn' t need. And he' s ALWAYS done that.

From what she says, she' s just really getting tired of his bullshit.
I can' t blame her, he does act like a child sometimes. What with wanting to buy fourwheelers and dirtbikes over getting their cars paid off or having money to pay all the bills (which, we' ve been behind on bills for at least a year).

Part of me wants them to get a divorce, but part of me doesn' t.
They just can' t do that to Isiah, Jevin and Alexis. It wouldn' t be fair for them to not be able to see one of their parents everyday as they are used to doing. And Alexis...she would want to stay with Jake, but that would tear mom apart.

I wish I were already gone. If I didn' t live here with them anymore, then I wouldn' t be in the middle of it.
I wouldn' t feel like I needed to be the problem solver.

I wouldn' thave to worry.
Because part of me belives that if I weren' t living here anymore, my mother would be in slightly better moods and be able ot deal with things easier.

I' m not blaming this on myself though, because it' s her goddamn fault she married and had kids with a child.

(no subject)

I' ve decided that when I get the money and balls to do it, I' m going to take a scalpel to my ears.
I' ll have to go a little while without plugs or anything in to downsize, I know, but this is something that I want to do.

Having all that extra lobe while my piercings are so close to my head...it' s starting to really bug me. Plus, I' m afraid that if I go any bigger, it will create a weak spot and my lobe might rip apart. I don' t want to go much bigger, I never want to go more than an inch.

I' m thinking this will all be a long process, since I have so much lobe. I might try to just downsize as far as I can and have my lobe cut into my second hole. It would hopefully redirect the stretching and maybe lessen my fear of losing my lobe.

(no subject)

I haven' t posted here in over a week.

I' ve just been...in all sorts of moods.

My mother wants to get a divorce. I mean, part of me is sort of happy for her, but then....I can' t stand my mom. I know that if she got a divorce I would have to stay with her and my siblings, so that I know they' ll be alright. She can' t take care of 3 kids and pay bills and everything on one income. I would have to be there to help with the bills and food.

I still haven' t gotten enough money for a new car. I wanted to part mine out, but Jake said he was going to take it to the crusher and that we would get about $350, even though I don't understand his math on that. I just need the money. I need to file my taxes and I get paid on Monday, from those combined I should have about $600, maybe $700. Not much, but..hell...anything helps right now.

I wish I had more things in my room I could sell...

My "friends" are getting on my nerves. It' s like...when I'm gone for a day, they' ve all changed and close me off just a little bit more. Soon enough, I won' t have anyone to talk to. It seems like this always happens to me. It' s the distance. Nobody wants to take the extra time it takes to talk to me, or drive the extra 20miles to come pick me up since I don' t have a car right now. And I' m just going to end up with no friends and I don' t know what I' ll do. I' m a real people person, so long as those people aren' t customers at my work.
And I can' t stand being alone for long periods of time. I' ve gotten a little more used to it, but it still gets to me from time to time.

I' m trying...like, REALLY trying to be more peaceful.

Smoking is starting to get to me as well. I always feel like I want to smoke, but when I do, I start coughing and when I' m done smoking I have a hard time breathing for at least 5minutes. I' ve been smoking for four years. I don' t know why I just don' t quit.
I guess what it mostly is is that I don' t care if I live or die.
I don' t believe in god, but if it' s my time to die, then there is nothing I can do to stop it. Smoking and wreckless driving is just something I do, without thought. And if one(or both) of those are the reason I die, then I accept that.

I' ve never been afraid to die, at some points in my life, it' s been such a welcomed idea.

But I' ve been strong through everything. I have luck to back me, even though it' s always caught me at the last second.
I may be in a rut right now, but before I hit rockbottom, something will change for the better.


(no subject)

It hasn' t even been that long, and I already give up on the "one photo a day thing."

Work and people are getting in the way.